You Should Give a Living Eulogy ASAP
The most important people in your life do not completely understand how you feel about them.
You might think they do because you say “Love you!” when parting ways or give them gifts on special occasions.
But the thing most of us are missing in moder times is feeling seen. It’s not the same as not being lonely or even being heard. It’s having another appreciate our very being in ways that don’t require performance. Many people become starved for this after childhood because so many relationships become transactional or suffocate under the burden of daily life.
Most of us can relate to losing someone or something we love unexpectedly. Maybe we thought they’d always be there or we assumed there would be a time for us to say how we felt. And then suddenly, all the time we thought we had is snatched from us.
As someone who ponders death and its implications more than is probably healthy, I have considered the impact of losing people and things. I’ve tried to avoid drifting into anticipatory grief and leaning into the gratitude of what is and the action of expression.
My approach is to intentionally spend connected time with my loved ones and not let the dwindling time sneak up on me. But more to the point, my favorite insurance for expressing love is a living eulogy.
A living eulogy is a speech or tribute that expresses appreciation and gratitude for someone while they are still alive, essentially saying the positive things would say about them at a funeral directly to them. It’s a way to acknowledge and celebrate someone’s impact on your life before they pass away.
Think of the beautiful ways we honor people at death. We gather, we reflect, we bring flowers, we tell stories, we see the person who is no longer alive. We contemplate their existence and offer generous praise on how they showed up in the world and what they meant to us.
Why do we wait until they’re no longer here to say such beautiful things?
You might choose to do a living eulogy solely as an insurance policy against someone you love not knowing how you feel. I admit that my first one had a tinge of this. I simply couldn’t stomach my parents unexpectedly passing and me wondering whether they understood that they were truly seen and appreciated.
What I discovered was an array of surprising benefits, which is why I urge you to do one or more of these.
How I Designed Living Eulogies
When designing living eulogies for my parents, I spent months thinking about what I wanted to say. I wanted them to feel seen. For all the years they sacrificed. For all the little things they did that they thought no one noticed. For all the ways they evolved and grew. I wanted to note each area of their lives and celebrate all they are while honoring who they once were.
For my mom, I created a multi-part event. I started with 7 days of letters and gifts. Each day, I gave her a letter exploring a different part of her life. I covered early days, her professional life, her religious devotion, her motherhood journey, her achievements, her womanhood, and her personal growth. I teased out what I saw and what others saw. I acknowledged the big things and noted the specific things we remembered and appreciated about her.
Along with these letters, I gave her gifts each day. Some small, some big, these gifts were tokens of appreciation. Then, I offered her an all expenses paid trip anywhere she wanted to go. She chose Los Angeles and Vegas so I booked flights, a swanky penthouse suite, tickets to see Cirque du Soleil, and a spa day. We had an absolute blast. This was more than another mother/daughter trip. It was me intentionally honoring her and carving out space to reflect the gift of her life back to her. To top it off, I sent her home with a matted and framed written tribute that summarized the living eulogy. This way, she’d have something hanging in her home to remind her of the experience.
Her living eulogy was more than 5 years ago, and she still talks about it like it just happened. She raves about how it made her feel and how much it means to her to have been honored independent of tragedy or suffering.
My dad’s living eulogy was just as special. I followed a similar format with daily letters and gifts. With his, I also incorporated daily video messages from his family and friends who reflected on what they love about him and some of their favorite memories with him. Then, as with my mom, I offered him an all expenses paid trip anywhere he wanted to go. He chose Mexico so I booked a 5 star resort, a massage, a visit to one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and top tier restaurant reservations. He too raved about the experience.
These living eulogies weren’t just gifts to them. They were gifts to me too. The process of putting these eulogies together helped me see my parents as people instead of mom and dad. I thought about them individually with their upbringings, inflection points, quirks, aspirations, achievements, and personalities. I had to really see them in order to create meaningful connections between who they are and the impact they’ve had on me and so many other people.
These living eulogies are gratitude on steroids. I’m focused on baking the love, care, and affection into my ongoing interactions with them, even when our dates with death are unknown.
I suggest you plan a living eulogy for someone you love. It’s a tremendous gift to them and to you. Please don’t want until a milestone birthday or retirement or a terminal illness. Do it just because. There’s something so special about being thoughtful independent of a special occasion.
I want to note two other important things: how you structure the living eulogy is entirely up to you and should be a reflection of your relationship with the person and their personality. The goal is for them to feel deeply appreciated and be reminded that they are seen and valued. Don’t overplan or obsess to the point of making it stressful. The intention will carry the execution.
The other thing is that a living eulogy can be done for anyone in your life who you respect and cherish. It doesn’t have to be a parent or relative. It can be a friend, a caregiver, a romantic partner, a mentor, a neighbor, or anyone who you feel deserves it.
Plan and complete at least one before the year is out. It’ll be one of the most important relational investments you’ll ever make.